Guest post - Fred | A look at depression

For probably obvious reasons the writer of this will not be given. It's just a post that I was given and asked to post. It is written from the perspective of someone who suffers from depression and has helped me understand more how this affects day to day life. I post this in the hope it helps others to understand also the battle many people face daily.

Depression. Perhaps to those without much knowledge, experience or understanding of this word would see it and think of sad people, crying, weakness, or simply not being “man-enough” to deal with the same ins and outs of life everybody goes through.
Depression is a disease decapitating as much as a broken leg is to an athlete. Or frustrating as much as a long term physical health condition. It is a mental disease and as such is invisible and argued, therefore, as non-existent: “it’s all in the mind”.
What these people don’t understand, or maybe don’t appreciate, is that this disease has claimed just as many lives of which any physical disease has taken. But after all, people who end their lives themselves have the choice, right?
Wrong. Depression is suffocation. It’s being surrounded by darkness and not being able to see a light to just get out. There’s no medically acclaimed path to recovery. Broken bones heal, but sometimes the mind cannot.
Of course there is help out there. Treatment to help find that light switch showing the path of a happier life. But there is no quick and easy answer to depression.
A misleading concept is that people living with depression can have “good days”. Days where they feel happy! Feel happy to be alive and take part in all what life throws at them. But sometimes, no matter how hard you try to cling on to those moments of euphoria, depression sneaks back in, grabs you by the ankles and pulls you back down to that never-ending darkness.

From here on in I’m going to refer to depression as ‘Fred’, and in personifying this condition to emphasise its reality in my life, and potentially add a bit of humour to such a dark and serious concept.
I have been living with Fred for just under 2 years. I wanted to write this post in the hope that 1) in sharing my experience with Fred it could help other sufferers, and 2) those who do know me can try and understand my sometimes erratic mannerisms.
I say I have been with Fred for 2 years, but this is simply the time stamp I have put on it since diagnosis. I got diagnosed one New Year’s Eve and saw that night in alone with a packet of antidepressants and a packet of cigarettes. I cried for most that evening as for me it was finally realising and accepting that I was mentally ill, adding to that that this particular night all my friends and family were out celebrating - being happy. Never have I felt so alone. I had offers to go out and join in the celebrations that evening of course, but I made up excuses not to go as I felt I just couldn’t face anyone and hold together a stapled happy expression.
For me, I believe I have had multiple encounters with Fred from the age of 10. I won’t go into the details of those episodes as I would probably lose you readers who made it down this far! But he crept in at childhood, got worse over my teenage years, and had a party in my early 20s. At my hysterical lowest, I have sat with 8 cocodomols in my mouth, with another packet primed in my hand. Pretty serious huh? Fred could have killed me then. That episode could have been my car crash moment which ruined my life and all the lives of my loved ones around me - something which I could have never forgiven myself for. I sat with that packet of pills for about 2 hours thinking over EVERYTHING. Unfortunately, for me, it was only the damage I would have caused to my family which stopped me from swallowing. I wish it was because I could have seen how much I have to live for. And I do have many things to live for. Everybody does.
One side of living with Fred is having hours, days, weeks or months where I am in a “bad mood”. In these states I’m highly unreasonable (which I hate myself for), irrational, angry, and of course sad, so unpredictably sad. The best bit – I could be sad over absolutely nothing! I’m yet to establish and find within myself the root or trigger which brings Fred along and sits him by my side - constantly. But it’s something I’m working on. In the meantime, I have to find better coping strategies to the bad days. As a side note, someone asking “what’s wrong? You must know what’s wrong or you wouldn’t be sad!” is one of the most frustrating things to say to someone living with Fred. Fred is deep. He is not superficial.
I mentioned I could be unreasonable, as I know I’ve taken out some of my anger and frustration on friends and family and for that I want to apologise. I would never be arrogant enough to blame Fred for every mistake I’ve made or relationship I’ve ruined. I have never used Fred as my excuse be that in personal, educational or work life. However, Fred can bring about a darkness which fogs the “bigger picture”. That darkness draws you into a spiral of self-sabotage making me a stubborn mean bitch! In those moments there is no essence of the real me there. Yet I still have to deal with those consequences because, whether I like it or not, it was my actions which did the damage.
***
“Sorry”. A word I use a lot. Sometimes there is a lot to be sorry for. Other times, I’m discovering, that I do not need to be sorry at all. This is associated with the guilt Fred causes. Fred can make you believe that everything going wrong in life is utterly down to you. That you are to blame for those things which are actually completely out of your control; you are to blame for this illness – there is something wrong with you! Fred brings about a guilt so strong it can be hard to draw in air.
For me, it’s the little things which can hold a massive influence over how my day can go. Waking up and being greeted with “good morning!” because yes, this morning has all the potential to be good. A simple smile – a silent gesture showing openness and positive energy. Somebody asking, “how are you?” Someone knowing when “fine” isn’t really fine at all.
To the contrary of that, small negative gestures can settle me into a bad day just as easily. Not being greeted by a smile. Impatience. Heavy sighs. Actions which make me feel bad about myself.
However, I must emphasise that these gestures are not to be blamed for the emergence of Fred. Not at all. If anything I would be a hypocrite to say so as of course my bad moods could have exactly the same effect on anyone else. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that beneath everybody’s surface, everybody has a personal life where things are not easy or straight forward. With all the bad crap making headlines and the bad crap not publicised across the globe, there is so, so much room for more kindness. Kindness has no material value yet it is priceless all the same. Kindness is a healer, and everybody can be its provider. Kindness can send Fred away.
I hope one day I find the strength to send Fred away once and for all. For now I hope that my friends and family don’t give up on me and continue to give me the patience, support and kindness they have already shown. Something I am eternally grateful for. And in turn I hope that I keep working on being a better person than what I was yesterday. I hope that if anyone ever comes across a Fred of their own that I can help them tell that bastard where to go. Everyone has the power and right to be happy, to laugh and have fun and rejoice in being alive. Life isn’t an easy road, but being there for each other can make it a hell of a lot less rocky.

I hope you have a happy day J Anon.

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